


How to Milk a Cow

by clueless325



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-02
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-17 21:59:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5886904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clueless325/pseuds/clueless325
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin never claimed to know how to milk a cow. It was not his fault that Arthur just assumed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Milk a Cow

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or any of its characters and please note that English is not my first language.

When the barn door was opened and closed abruptly against the howling wind outside, a dull tune of clanging cow-bell and clucking chickens can be heard, letting the two new occupants know that they would not be alone in there taking shelter from the sudden snow storm blazing outside.

Arthur took off his snow-crusted cloak and shook the remaining snow off of his outer tunic and hair.

He then proceeded to do the same for Merlin when his servant seemed too preoccupied looking around instead.

If his fingers lingered in Merlin’s raven locks, well, it’s because it was for no other reason than the fact that it was covered with snow.

Really, sometimes Arthur wondered how Merlin survived without him.

“There should be some wood in here, Merlin. See if you can build us some fire. I’ll find us some extra blankets or something. You’re freezing,” he commanded, rubbing Merlin’s arms as he spoke in an attempt to warm the man up.

Ignoring him for the moment, Merlin pointed to the clucking chickens settled in a pile of hay not far away from a plump brown cow at a corner of the barn.

“Look, Arthur, at least we’d have some eggs and milk.”

That was when the smell of musty hay mixed with the pungent smell of cow dung and the stench of chickens hit the prince’s senses and he wrinkled his nose in distaste.

“Alright, get the fire started. That broken wagon over there should provide some dry wood. Tell me what you need to milk the cow. I’ll try and find them for you.”

Merlin swallowed. What he needed was to _know_ **_how_**   to milk a cow. But he couldn’t let Arthur know that. God knows how long they’ll be stuck in here. The prat would be insufferable!

The warlock fidgeted before moving forward and tentatively stroked the cow. Maybe it would be nice to him if they can get better acquainted first.

After a few strokes while he tried to figure out the answer to his prince’s question, he managed to come up with, “I’ll need a pail and a stool.”

Arthur shrugged and looked around. The barn was pretty big. “I’m sure I’ll find some. But could you please get out of those wet clothes and start a fire first? Really Merlin, do I have to tell you everything? You’re such an idiot sometimes.”

Merlin huffed, “Only sometimes? Well, you’re a clotpole _all_ the time. In case you hadn’t noticed _sire_ , I don’t exactly have anything else on me. Are you suggesting I strip myself bare?” As soon as the last word was out, he could feel the tips of his ears burning.

Arthur’s own cheeks flushed, “Of course not! You’re too skinny. You’ll freeze to death.” He picked up his discarded cloak, shook it a few more times and handed it to his insolent servant, “Here, the inside is dry, somewhat. It should hold until we get the fire running. It beats your soaking dishrag anyway.”

With that the prince walked away and Merlin was left alone with the cow and chickens.

He quickly stripped off his soaking wet upper garments and wrapped himself in Arthur’s cloak.

It smelled like his prince, like summer in the snow, a source of warmth in the frigid winter weather.

Merlin sighed in pleasure and if he tugged the cloak closer and breathed in the scent deeply just for a moment, well, the dollophead won’t know anyway.

He quickly pried some wood from the broken wagon and surreptitiously used his magic to light up a bright warm fire for them before he faced the cow once again.

The cow stood there staring at him with its dark brown bovine eyes. Merlin stared right back.

Now what?

He sighed, finally leaned over the cow and gently stroked her again, “I could use a bit of help here,” he whispered.

The cow cocked her head and stared at him through huge blank eyes.

“I need _not_ to make a fool of myself in front of my dollophead. So I would truly appreciate your cooperation here,” he continued conversationally, not without a note of pleading, as he rubbed the cow’s side soothingly.

The animal twitched her ears and mooed softly in response. Merlin took it as a good sign. He _hoped_.

“Are you actually having a _conversation_ with the cow, Merlin?”

Merlin jumped, his hands clutched to his chest.

Pasting a confident smile on his face that he did not feel, he slowly turned to face the prince, “Careful Arthur, we don’t want to hurt her feelings, do we?”

Arthur looked at him with fond exasperation but said nothing as he joined him and set a pail and a stool down next to Merlin’s feet.

Merlin gave the cow one last pat and a whispered “please” before he sat down on the stool.

He tried to look confident as he flexed his fingers.

With a deep breath, he peered under the cow’s belly and pulled the pail to rest under the animal’s udder.

“Mind if I watch?”

Merlin’s heart almost stopped at the sound of Arthur’s voice over his shoulder.

“No,” he replied and with a quick silent prayer, reached under the cow and grabbed hold of two of the dangling-thing where he _assumed_ the milk would come out from.

Arthur struggled not to smile sappily at the picture Merlin made.

His servant was adorable all wrapped up in his Pendragon red cloak. The colour suited Merlin, bright against his pale skin and raven hair. His flushed cheek rested against the cow’s brown fur, his brow furrowed in concentration and for a moment Arthur couldn’t stop staring at the way he was biting his lower lip.

Then the cow mooed loudly and Merlin jumped back and pulled on the dangling-things. Nothing happened. No milk came out.

Merlin tried squeezing the dangling-things. The cow swished her tail. Still nothing though. No milk came through.

“Nothing’s coming out,” Arthur pointed out unnecessarily.

“I haven’t milk a cow…in a long time,” Merlin said and reached for the other two sets of the dangling-thing. Maybe the first two was broken.

“How long?” Arthur’s voice was suspiciously sombre.

Merlin turned his head and muttered into the cow’s side, “About twenty-something years.”

“ _Mer_ lin, you _are_ twenty-something years.”

Merlin pretended not to hear him and bent down to look under the cow.

“I thought you said you could milk a cow.”

“No, I said we could have eggs and milk. I never said I could milk a cow. You just _assumed_ that I could.” By now Merlin had abandoned the stool and was half under the cow.

“Did you expect _me_ to milk the cow when you said that we could have eggs and milk, Merlin?”

Arthur rolled his eyes at Merlin’s non-response and squatted down beside him, though not _directly_ beneath the cow, thank you very much. _He_ was not an idiot after all.

“It can’t possibly be _that_ difficult.” The prince rubbed a finger over his lips while he gave it a thought, “Are you squeezing them?” he asked.

“Yes,” Merlin answered, “Watch.” Merlin gripped the dangling-things in his hands and squeezed. “See, nothing is happening.”

“Try it again,” Arthur ordered.

Again nothing happened.

“Maybe they’re plugged up,” Merlin offered and turned his head to peer at the tip of one of the dangling-thing as he turned it upward towards him, “Can you see anything?” he asked Arthur.

Arthur shook his head and moved closer under the cow’s belly, accepting the tip that was handed to him hesitantly.

“Neither can I,” Merlin said as he experimentally turned another dangling-thing up and gave it a small tug, “How about now?”

Even as the words came out of his mouth, a white stream of milk spewed straight past him.

“Oh look!” Merlin’s voice was filled with awe and delight, “I did it! I did it! Look Arthur! I did it!”

He turned to Arthur.

Milk dripped down the prince’s shocked face.

Merlin covered his mouth with his hands and watched as a trail of milk dripped from Arthur’s aristocratic nose, his chiselled jaw, his lips and down his neck.

He couldn’t help it. The laughter just came and would not stop.

Arthur wiped the milk from his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Merlin laughed some more, “I didn’t mean to…,” more laughter, “You look so…”

Arthur scowled at him, his body stiff with annoyance and a tinge of embarrassment. He knew how he must look with milk covering his face, “So what?” He asked with arrogance, daring his servant to make fun of him.

Even Arthur’s warning tone could not stop Merlin from laughing, “So silly!” he couldn’t keep it in, “Oh Arthur! It just squirted right passed me and then _splat_! One minute you were looking serious and curious and the next minute…you should see the look on your face!”

But Merlin must’ve finally noticed Arthur’s wounded pride. He stopped laughing and looked Arthur straight in the eyes as he used the edge of the cloak to wipe Arthur’s face tenderly, “Even with milk dripping off of your face, you’re still beautiful.”

An odd expression of surprise and wonder shone on Arthur’s face and he just watched Merlin. His jaw that was locked tight, loosened as the annoyance faded away and his face changed to one that held a breath-catching moment of naked longing.

Merlin smiled a bright beautiful smile.

Arthur reached out and touched his cheek with his fingers. His eyes locked on Merlin’s smiling lips and grew serious. He rubbed those lips slowly, gently.

Merlin’s heart picked up pace and his lips involuntarily parted slightly.

Arthur’s other hand moved to cup the back of Merlin’s head even as Merlin settled one hand on Arthur’s shoulder, the other on his heart, feeling it beat in time with his.

They moved forward at the same time and their lips came together in a kiss that was slow and soft and tender.

Oh well, the cow will just have to wait.

 

***The End***

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not very good at writing and my sense of humour is questionable at best but I hope that this brought a smile to someone's face ;)


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